Romantic

Schedule:
Monday - 1-1:50 Modern Japan, 4:00-5:15 Earth Science
Tuesday - 8-10:50 Earth Science Lab, 2-3:15 Foreign Lit Translation
Wednesday - 1-1:50 Modern Japan, 4:00-5:15 Earth Science
Thursday - 9:30-10:45 Japanese 203 (this is a sit-in class), 2-3:15 Foreign Lit Translation
Friday - 1-1:50 Modern Japan
Saturday - Work at Howie's 10-5
Sunday - OFF
HY 491, any given time


Dropped Advanced Acting. Full schedule is 13 hours. Glad to finally have this all finished up.

P.S. Does anyone want to be my workout and/or eating buddy?

I just bought 12 of my 18 required books. .. . O.O *death*
anywho,
schedule edit:

Schedule:
Monday - 1-1:50 Modern Japan, 4:00-5:15 Earth Science
Tuesday - 8-10:50 Earth Science Lab, 11-1:30 Adv Acting, 2-3:15 Foreign Lit Translation
Wednesday - 1-1:50 Modern Japan, 4:00-5:15 Earth Science
Thursday - 9:30-10:45 Japanese 203 (this is a sit-in class), 11-1:30 Adv Acting, 2-3:15 Foreign Lit Translation
Friday - 1-1:50 Modern Japan
Saturday - Work at Howie's 10-5
Sunday - OFF

Once every other week, class with VanSant HY 491 Directed Readings

I finally found some resolve and cheered up. Paying rent may turn out to be difficult for a little while as I need to find a side or nighttime job that won't kill me while i'm taking a gruesome 12-15 hours of studies in school. One of my classes is 2 and 1/2 hours long. My last "semestre" will be a two-week class in May, ending on the 25th. Then I will be set free to be the creative force let loose on the world I always wanted and I must admit that I have been temporarily anxious and worried.

The threat of graduation scares many people who've been in school a long time though. I realize that. And making "enough" money can sometimes seem so far out of reach. But I'm not going to let these things get me down. It is the way of my life that things fall into place where they need to be. It doesn't make my life less unpredictable sometimes or scary or irritating, but if I can remember that, it often calms me down within a week.

And sure there's some little nagging still in the back of my mind. But with time and dedication, this is something I can overcome and this scenario, i will one day use to my advantage.

I love all of you. This is my schedule so far for Spring semestre - there might be one class added on or changed:

Schedule:
Monday - 1-1:50 Modern Japan, 4:00-5:15 Earth Science
Tuesday - 8-10:50 Earth Science Lab, 11-1:30 Adv Acting, 2-3:15 Foreign Lit Translation
Wednesday - 1-1:50 Modern Japan, 4:00-5:15 Earth Science
Thursday - 9:30-10:45 Japanese 203 (this is a sit-in class), 11-1:30 Adv Acting, 2-3:15 Foreign Lit Translation
Friday - 1-1:50 Modern Japan
Saturday - Work at Howie's 10-5
Sunday - OFF

This is from Jillian. You're supposed to state 200 or so facts about yourself. Or rather any number of facts you can list? Her's is really long and brave and I wanted to attempt it.. I'll have to keep adding however. This game is difficult for me. ^-^0 mmmm challenges that fuel my procrastination.

FOR RIGHT NOW I'VE MADE IT TO 15. UPDATE LATER.


1. When I live alone for a long time (over a month) I stop talking to myself completely. I still sing and dance to music but I cut back saying words outloud to myself by 80%. I eventually even stop humming, yelping if I hurt myself or making noise at all.
2. After I've been in a particular state for 2 weeks, I feel it is the norm (living situation, inability to speak from a sore throat) and start to live my life as if it is.
3. For the most part, people who know me have one of two polar opposite views of my emotions: either that I'm one of the most caring people they know, or that I'm a "cold emotionless robot".
4. I never did like getting lots of presents and one Christmas my parents bought me so many that I hyperventilated but they still never understood and they took me to another room to hand each of them to me one by one instead. Normally I only asked for one to two things a year and they wouldn't be pleased unless they got me whole lots.
5. Because of that I developed a strange guilt-complex about my toys because i wanted to give them to my friends who liked them but didn't want to make my parents sad. To this day they sometimes still give me too many things i never asked for and I still try to wait until they maybe forget so I can give away or sell them.
6. I'm terrified of loving someone in a relationship, but not out of one.
7. I have never bungee-jumped. not because I'm afraid of falling and popping back up in the air, but because I'm afraid of snapping my neck and dying a pointless death at a young age when I could have spent the rest of my time on Earth doing something potentially productive.
8. The color yellow used to irk me until I found a cute shirt a few years ago...
9. Mosquitoes generally scare me more than roaches, roaches shock me more, and I don't worry about maggots at all but I'm terrified of giant flies. I'm afraid they'll be migrating tsetse flies.
10. The longest friendship I had was a not-so-close one with a girl that I knew since literally before we could talk. Her last name starts with IR so she was always the girl beside me in yearbook and even when we graduated. She didn't like that I didn't drink at parties and gossip about dating lots of boys. So i tried to clean her house with her, cook and tutor her in college to find any common bonding ground, but it was useless and fell apart completely on her 23rd birthday when i didn't want to wake up at 10 to drive to her house 25 minutes away for her getting smashed.
11. The state of my room often physically reflects how I feel on the inside.
12. DDR is one of my preferred methods of exercise.
13. I hate commercials so much that I sometimes forget what I'm watching on TV at the time, turn the TV off, and come back 15 minutes later when I remember.
14. I'm a natural speed-reader. without meaning to skipping the words the, a, an, to, with and looking at some sentences like pictures rather than individual words.
15. Rosemarie's Tea is the only place at which I could not be upset about ANYTHING even if I tried.
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I can not stop coughing for the life of me. just a powerful spasm of a dry cough... so frustrating. i slept about 3 hours last night in between bouts of coughing every fifteen minutes more or less.
I hope to somehow lube my throat up enough tonight to have a decent lunch with Yaksha before taking him to the airport tomorrow. It's been real suck to be sick and working for days and without a voice. When i try to talk i sound like a bleating goat really. Though, fortunately or not, I have talked plenty in the few moments that i could make english-sounding noises. I might need to leave my voice alone.. and i would if people didn't think it was awkward to be the only one talking for hours.

Going to drink more water now.

I'm just about ready to be a real person. The real me.
I want to be me. so badly I can almost taste it.
My new year's resolution:
me. I want to be me.

Wow, that was incredibly fast.. it seems to have only taken two days for sugarbun to make her way all the way over from wherever newegg's storage house is and to my parents' doorstep.
I'm so tired and as many off-days as I have in a week, I still never seem to get everything I want done. In fact, it's already happening this very minute -- i need to be in two places at once and that really sucks because one of those places i need to be at before 5 and it's already 3. >.<

I'm going to try this out.
Wish me luck!

that they unfortunately often don't mean what they say because they hope they'll be able to get something else out of what they've said.
In the end though, when called out on this they have tiny breakdowns, cry for hours and stop talking to you. Such is life.

And life is good.

It's fall ish now. My favorite time of the year no questions - and for the past few days every day I've been feeling a little bit better. Today I visited Andrew and Lital, both I haven't seen in forever! then I visited Angie and Breanna, who I have also not seen in Forever! and then had dinner with my parents. it was one great long talk after the next all day.

I am very, very delighted.

P.S. I have the best roomie and best friend in the whole world.

Now that things have been so much calmer the past few days, i feel like i can finally breathe a little. and now I'm sleeping better and waking up easier. Putting my schedule back together and getting a few more things done which I wish I had done earlier. There are only two big chores left in the apartment to make sure it's all nice and neat. Then I would like to have my sweethearts over for homemade pizza and some sparkling grape juice. and i'd love it to be soon before the berries go bad. lol.
Okay, i love you all ~

The whole debacle is over. I cut off two of my friends completely. One out of inability to trust, the other out of intentional, malicious harm they did to me. The second one was harder to come to terms with. The first, fun person, just can't be around them after all this total mess.

As a testament to how much it stressed me out, i started getting serious headaches, which i never get and fell asleep tonight at 7:03 PM. I had been meaning to leave at 6:45ish to go to stitch and bitch only to find that they were at IHOP and while waiting for them to get back I passed out. I had an alarm on and slapped the phone any time it made a sound and didn't realize that I even hung up on tabitha in the same manner. :( I hadn't been able to sleep or eat well in a while. too much on my mind i guess. I didn't wake up for real until 4 AM ish after a horrible nightmare about the collapse of reality and tons of death and disappointment. Now that I'm awake, I feel kind of reborn. I need to start getting to sleep earlier anyway.. but i think i really needed to pass the *(&% out.

It's dark and a little :( to go back to sleep just yet so I'm going to leave the lights on and try to again because I'm still tired after all that dreaming. but i feel good in an odd way.

my life is being rebuilt from the ground up- and it's scary but really nice. i couldn't ask for better.

I has a mad. or a pissed rather. or a furious rage really. anyway, i'm taking it out on a series of material goods. i will be up for shooting at all available times me destroying things.

don't worry, it isn't about any of you. the person involved is blocked on my facebook now. i think i might rip out the major arteries of his heart if i saw him around. i am going to give this about 14 days. sounds like a good amount of time to get over a serious rage when i'm working every day to destroy things and feel better. ~ love you all. thank you so much for your support. it's because of you guys that i make it through stuff like this.

How do you guys keep up with me? Damn. I'm not only vague, i'm nearly completely non-cohesive. How could anyone know what's going on with me by reading this thing alone? Well, they barely could. And a lot is left out. Wow...
Well now that I've established that I've been failing at this, maybe I can improve upon that. It's because of bull like this that I find friendships difficult.. solid ones that is. I just don't tell anyone anything of importance half the time in fear of one thing or another.

I feel a real need to divulge a little. but where do i begin?

....
...

shawn and i ended up making a bad pair. there's no way around this statement. when he treated me a certain way, i treated him poorly and we just kept rotating in and out of arguments and hurt feelings and me getting upset all the time and forgetting what or who was important. i want shawn to find someone who'll treat him well and fully appreciate the way he treats them without letting his negative actions get them down, someone who will roll with the punches and they'll give each other the love-life they deserve. in a way hard it is hard to bear because it isn't my business to be upset about every person i hurt, but I do feel that way many times. So I'd like to go out on a limb and let everyone know: hell yes, it hurt to leave shawn and yes, it was the right decision and yes, i already felt guilty so badly. And sometimes I do consider that it might take until he's fully wrapped up in some other person that I'll be able to feel better about the fact that we never talk now. I always put other people's happiness above my own until I can't take it anymore and cry and run away. even then I feel bad for letting someone down.
Let me add this. some things in life are your fault. that's true. we make mistakes. I made plenty in my relationships. Leaving shawn was not a mistake for my life. it's the cold and sad and painful truth. In the worst of times I felt bad for leaving every person I ever have despite what things they ever did to me and vice versa. It has been a symptom of my personality since I was young. and an unhealthy one at that.

For reasons related to a bajillion and two things, I swore off relationships in July. And set the date that I should be recovered enough to have a healthy one to the next year. July 6th 2010. What does a relationship mean? Well, I mean it in a very serious manner. I mean the kind where you introduce the person to everyone you know as your significant other and love each other openly and defend that. I mean acknowledging it to myself, too. Feeling the weight lifted off of my shoulder, letting go of the guilt associated with having someone for myself. Instead, I have been previously open to the thought of potential mates to one day ask out into the open when i get back from Japan now I'm settled after debate and will continue to now focus with a happy heart on my studies, schooling, graduating, modeling, cooking, reading, and writing.

Some of you may be unfamiliar with the fact that I can no longer bring myself to say or hear "I love you" without feeling like I've been stabbed in the heart. It isn't an optional feeling. Even in the midst of wanting to say it, have it, hear it, my throat locks up, my heart feels as if it stops pumping and I want to cry and curl into a ball and mostly vomit til I pass out. This is an obvious sign to me that I'm not ready to handle "the real world". hahaha.

My friends have been a huge help to me through this time. I feel like I'm growing an actual spine. And I feel really contented now. I need nothing else. All I have left is to act out my dreams and simply 'do'.
Thank you for all the times you've listened to me even when I've said nothing below the surface. Thank you for bearing with me when I didn't know how to comfort you either. I am trying to come out of the shell I grew up in, came out of for brief moments only, and crept back into again. I want to be a true friend, and a woman following her convictions with great joy. And I'd love for you all to come with me. *hugs*

i was looking through my very first entries into livejournal, back into 2006 to where I can't even remember anymore. through one year after the next of trying to hide and trying to come out of my shell, falling back in.. oh how when things go bad instead of turning to my friends, i hide away from nearly all of them in an attempt to be a better-seeming person to them all or to save the face of someone I feel wronged by but don't want others to feel bad about.

there are some parts of me that i really don't like. for example: I don't like my constant shame and grief that can follow me and catch up with me and make me down about things I have no real rights to being so upset about.

My newest psychologist is the best woman I've ever had the chance to talk to. Her advice is practical and balancing. Her concern for me is genuine and I enjoy going to see her and talking about serious issues in depth.

and i do want to make better friends and be a better friend. and to me that doesn't mean just being nice to everyone, it means finding the most "click" with someone and rolling with it. Trying to be honest to the core whenever possible.

Let me go ahead and preface this statement shortly, there are some really horrid emotional traumas that have come knocking me down hard lately. I am genuinely happy though. Please don't mistake my ills for depression or poor life, and please do not mistake my beaming smile and glow for coldness towards what other things go on in life.

~

Well, some people know that I compartmentalize my emotions. I dont' know that it's because I want to or that it just ended up that way as a defense mechanism. Either way, recently, my little boxes of emotions have been falling off their shelves and onto he floor of my life.. thank goodness the floor is easy to clean tile? Just... arrgh.. it's upsetting when it all barrels out and I have to really consider each thing and throw the bad stuff away and sometimes that takes real life confrontation.

But at least I know that I appreciate confrontation much more than

lies. Even the convenient sort. even omission.

this is just better.

though it's harder.

Not that I wanted to. I just had some resource-restrictions at the time. Like not enough time to fit it in a schedule. But then now for a few minutes I do. So let's do this thing, yeah? 

A lot of people are bringing up the very valid and horrific topic of "what do I want to do" "when I grow up"? Of course, now I'm at the age that all of my friends more or less believe that grown up is now or tomorrow. After two months I got an interview at the Humane Society and they interviewed me and let me know 4 days later (fairly prompt which I am glad for) that I didn't get the job. Thankfully, I know that the interview went well because I was there and because he said he's keeping my application, will that be okay? So my logical belief is that someone more qualified (which would unfortunately be anyone with any experience in the field) got the position and if God smites someone in time, I might get another call-back.
Well, seeing as God tends to smite people on a fairly irregular basis, I'm going to talk to Al about my hours at Hungry Howie's but I don't really know what can be done. I'd have to become a different worker than a cashier to get more hours. Which, honestly, I'd love to never speak to another customer at work again. That would rock.. but I don't think it's going to happen. Al said he prayed all night that I wouldn't get this job. So tomorrow I'm punching him in the face and I hope he gets some more workers soon so that he'll stop that bull.
And pizza work is fun, my boss is the best, but I can't see working full time at Hungry Howies's and NOT shooting myself in the face. At least I have a boost of confidence from going out and trying face-to-face for a full time. Now I just need to go looking about again.

It was all positive steps.

So that was some sort of off-topic from where I started. Let's go back. What do I want to do? i want to be a writer, damn it. Oh and I'm still scared of it. My journaling therapy though has helped immensely with key points of my life that were getting in the way. Starting next week, after this wedding business ^.^ (Tabitha and Kush, marrying 6 pm Saturday) The 3rd.
At the same time, I'm at the last leg of graduating with this Japanese degree.. and I really don't know where it'll take me or where I want to go with it even. It's true, I have no idea what's going to happen with me.. but I know that by the moment I graduate, I need to have something pulling in all the money I need to live.

This could officially be the worst week ever.. or a decent week sprinkled with the worst events ever? Yeah, let's say that one. Because plenty of nice, neutral, and fulfilling things have happened this week.. it's just everything else getting to me that happened on top of and inbetween those things.

So, as everyone knows, I hate talking about my problems if they're real. Therefore, i'm not going to. Instead, let's focus on yay-stuff. Went to Yogurt Mountain to discover that it is one of the loveliest places on Earth. Took some more hours at the pizza place which means a little more money since I didn't have anything else to do just yet. No other jobs have called back and some are on freezing hires. I want to go in for a data entry sort of job, secretarial stuff... I'm just.. not feeling it right now.. which may be from all the crap that's been dotting my life. The great-ness of taking on more hours is that my job cheers me up. Especially since today is Friday, it was too busy to think about all the things I'll have to confront later in my day. Instead, I just work. There was a lady that was soooo mean to me today but the good part is that she just left when she was done and that was that.

There was a lady who saw the mean woman be pissy and THAT lady was super nice to me and so cheery and patient. I love you nice lady. You keep on keeping on.

I'm not sleeping really well on the couch, sadly. The air feels dry and I'm getting sinus problems there for some reason. I might jump another place or two before this is up. It's starting to kill me. I nap on his bed when he's gone. It's sometimes the only sleep I get. O.O

I'm going to AWA on Saturday to buy a few things and peruse a few of the events in an effort to relax a little and have some semblance of my regular life.. though I know in the end this isn't necessary. Eventually, I'll be able to let go of all that "old and regular life" and its patterns. .. . I either hope that is so or hope that I'll realize the error of my ways in time before that happens. lol

Weight-wise things are panning out rather well for me. It's hard as mess to get abs, I kid you not. But my thighs, legs, rump are looking fantastic and I have more power and control in my arms and their different muscles. And I found an actual sure-fire way to not bloat or deflate the bloat of my oftentimes highly uncomfortable hormone-cycle. Still working on a method/formula for keeping my skin in greatest condition all the time as opposed to 1/2 to 3/4s of the time.

And that's about it. Whenever I get some ill type of upset I just like to ramble about the surface stuff. A more "real" update later.

Today is the day I finally overcome my social anxieties for a brief enough moment to turn in my new work application at the Tilted Kilt. And I'll be going to a movie tonight if I can help it. Probably, in case the Tilted Kilt does hire me and turns out to be too stressful, I should write up my resume and send it into data entry places. You know I can type 60 wpm without looking at a keyboard while being spoken to? Sometimes. Well it's a great talent.. but how do you get into a job like that?

In fact, I think I type better and faster and more accurately without looking at the screen.. why would that be? There should be a study.

Anywho. I love having my little cave to return to at the end of the day (or even the middle of the day) now. It helps out a whole lot with my emotional security and the ability to hermit is never overrated in my life.

Today I went to my therapist. She's super sweet and yay and I'm glad Pablo found that place for me. Thanks, dude. I also found a pack of pens while cleaning out Nat's drawers with him. and they now belong to me. They're V5s... it was love at first sight. and Nat found my granola bars I lost. Suddenly it's like the best day ever because tonight is the first night of my first semi-perma-stay. I'll be at Robby's until the 25th.

This is the week I put my foot down about my "getting a new job" anxieties. I'm also going to have a long and hot month with Robby's stationary bicycle. oh yeah it's on. and studying my japanese. I am ready to hermit. I always feel a little guilty inside when I do -- so I will try to come out from time to time and hang with the peeps. Especially Monday nights for screenings and Tuesdays because I'll have Tuesdays off and Sundays after work. Those should be the only times I have off if the whole work thing goes well. Okay peeps. I'll talk to you all sometime and I miss you and I'm so happy to have a cave to go to and not be bothered at hahahaha.

In no particular order

1. Call Insurance Company
2. Call Dad
3. Get a full time job ASAP
4. Fill out Scholarship Applications
5. Study from Yellow Book and Kanji Book


Orders:
1. Kanji Writing notebook + packing tape
2. Intensive Repair Serum + teeth whitening